I have sobbed, screamed, and gone through severe periods of depression from what I described in my original post.  Today I am feeling better after working regularly on my deficits with a PT who has a large toolbox of PRI exercises, dry needling, bodywork, and more.  My body didn’t seem to want to go into flexion at all, and my lumbar erectors (especially on my left side) were almost permanently on and overworking.  My anterior slings were very week comparative to my posterior.  

I have since chilled out from my exercises and actually feel better than ever for some reason.  I can’t tell you why.  Maybe the exercises started working?  Maybe I stopped giving the problem so much power in my life?  Maybe it just worked its course?  I ask myself these questions daily.  I still have flair ups that seem to be structurally and mechanically driven, like if I am sitting in a certain position for too long.  I went mountain biking on vacation (I used to race in college) and it flared up a bit.  The things I did that I have never done and didn’t believe in are when I started getting some relief.  I started taking internal Arnica twice a day, and was regularly taking CBD oil from my Mother-In-Law’s company which is pure hemp flower extract with no THC.  I also had some sessions with a spiritual healer over the phone.  A lot of PT’s/medical professionals/bodywork/trainers on this site will probably want to tell me that what I just mentioned is nonsense and that the placebo effect is what I am experiencing.  My response to that is that “it is working for me”. 

I cannot give you a specific exercise that I did nor tell you some sort of “aha” moment I had that cured me.  I still have a long way to go, but I am going about it differently.  I am not obsessing over my “problem” and I am trying not to give it any more power than it deserves.  I am trying to focus on the present and know that it won’t last forever, even though I wanted to think it would be with me until the day I die.  I tell myself daily that I am strong and that there is nothing “wrong” with me daily.  I bought a “Muse” device to help me start a regular meditation routine.  I have read so many books that told me that my spine is strong and that there have been numerous studies showing weak correlations with disc bulldogs and physical pain.  

Chronic pain has drained my relationships with others and myself and caused some really intense mental/emotional dysfunctions that I am working on reversing.  It got me to where I am today though, and I must say that pain is the greatest teacher you will ever have.  You will want to punch your teacher in the fucking face sometimes, but I believe it is here to teach you and I lessons that we would not have learned without it.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE KLAUDYNA, and I would be more than happy to keep talking to you if you need me.